Girls Don't Want Boyfriends They Want Emma Chamberlain's Kitchen

Architectural Digest has given me the greatest gift, celeb home tours

Emma Chamberlain for AD. No notes.

My favorite WFH lunchtime activity is watching Architectural Digest OPEN DOOR tours of celebrity homes. Why do celebs exist if not for us to judge their tastes in fashion, partners, and decor?

A home tour reveals so much about the person hosting it. Sure the design is enlightening, but it’s more about their attitude during the tour. Do they rattle off the names of the expensive artwork adorning the walls like a MOMA docent? Do they they act performatively embarrassed when the camera catches the glint of an Emmy or Grammy? Do they ironically say, “And this is where the magic happens” and then instantly hate themselves for uttering such a cliched phrase? Or are they fulfilling a childhood dream inspired by MTV cribs and giddily, without a hint of irony, proclaiming, “And this is where the magic happens!!!”

If they’re hosting the tour with a non-famous partner who was obviously more involved in the home construction and design, do they let their partner take the lead? If it’s a couple comprised of two famos, do they spend the entire tour trying to out theater-kid each other?? Or do they go the opposite route and act protective and withholding? So much to take in over my five dollar Trader Joe’s lunch salad.

I’ve rounded up a few tours that are worth noting (in no particular order). Most are comforting visual feasts that reveal charming details about the host. Others are Willy Wonka-level unhinged and leave me worried for the home owner’s sanity. And some are just Ray Romano being Ray Romano. Have a tissue ready to wipe up the drool and don’t look up how expensive anything is if you don’t want to cry today. Aproveche!

1. JOHN LEGEND & CHRISSY TEIGEN’S SERENE FAMILY HOME

I’ve only experienced true awe a few times in my life. The first time I tried the Breakfast Crunch Wrap at Taco Bell and the first time I watched this home tour of John Legend and Chrissy Teigen’s home. It is sickeningly stunning. The piano bar. The (embalmed??) olive tree dining room. The CHILDREN’S ROOMS. I’M INSULTED AND ENCHANTED. No children should have rooms this nice. I will actually die on this hill. Giving them rooms that are basically Universal Studios sets?? Irresponsible! It’s the Hollywood equivalent of raising kids in Buckingham Palace, how will they ever relate to the rest of the world?? Also the bathtub was staged with fresh flowers which is the kind of extra I can get behind.

2. RAY ROMANO’S COZY DESERT HIDEAWAY

This house is truly nothing special. I watched for Ray’s wife’s accent and to hear them make fun of their kids. It’s Big Dad Energy. I mean the house backs up to a golf course for god’s sake. But Ray has the decency to pretend that being filthy rich is a burden and you gotta love him for that. When he complains about some expensive ironwork and says, “Thank you very much, but now I gotta do Ice Age 6…” I chortled at the sheer Romano-ness of it. The man is worth millions but he can’t help but play the grumpy husband working a double shift at the factory so the wife can have a new kitchen(s).

3. ORVILLE PECK’S MID-CENTURY LA TREEHOUSE

I would murder someone in cold-blood for this house. It’s a mid-century cabin-in-the-woods charmer nestled in the Hollywood hills. It’s perfectly Peck, even though I’m very over the mask gimmick. You’re too famous now love. We can Google your face in an instant, can you please just talk to us without the fringe?

4. EMMA CHAMBERLAIN’S RADIANT HOME

This one I can barely watch because the woman was 21 years old when she hosted the tour for this startlingly beautiful home. She’s been sentient for like… two years. And her home is a masterpiece. Emma says some iconic things like, “I actually hang out in here… and we read books. Which is crazy because who reads books???” I would argue that flipping through heinously expensive coffee table books doesn’t count as reading. But what the FUCK do I know, I don’t have that green marbled kitchen so obviously I’m reading too much and doing too little!!

5. KACEY MUSGRAVE’S SERENE NASHVILLE HOME

This home is ALL white!! For what??? It’s borderline Kim K style except instead of looking like an abandoned psych ward it just looks like she applied an all-white filter to a regular house. Can you imagine eating a burrito in this home??? Drinking a glass of wine?? Having any bodily function?? Allowing an animal or child within a thousand yards??? It is beautiful… but why so deliberately, aggressively absent of color? Okay my bad, there is one room that has a hint of blush. A paint color called “dead salmon.” ????? I’m so on the fence about Kacey M. Some of her songs are so fun, and some are so basic it feels like she’s trolling us by singing Rae Dunn pottery quotes. “The Architect” is a trash song and yet it will be covered by every Christian youth group band in America. Basic, but brilliant? Not even sure I’d extend that complement to her home but it was unique enough to include in the list.